And on the fifteens day of the month of Iyar, on the thirtieth day of the Omer, in the five thousandths seven hundredth and seventy-seventh year of our lord, the Mohel almost cut Itamar’s dick off. No, it was not that he was careless or inexperienced. It’s just that every infant’s circumcision, by definition, is a hair’s breadth away from nipping a penis in the bud. This is why most Jewish fathers forgo the honor and summon experienced Mohels to perform the mitzvah. How Mohels gain the required sleight of hand to cut with such precision remains a mystery. A rule of thumb suggests that Mohels are at their prime between ages of forty and sixty. Gray hairs on a Mohel’s beard raises the odds that the ritual will be performed successfully. Pubic hair under their fingernails is a sign that the Mohel’s recent experience is mostly with older people, where there is more material to work with, and the margins of error are larger. In such cases, it is best to seek another Mohel for your newborn. Indeed it is a terrifying operation, performed without medical staff on hand, in front of a crowd of hungry people, who came for the food and would have eaten anything. Fortunately, all went well, and babies learn to forget. Therefore we’re happy to share the pictures.
For years it has been thought that Hemingway’s “For sale, baby shoes, never worn” was the shortest novel ever written. Recent researchers discovered that it was actually the shortest known CliffNotes summary of The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling. The discovery brings a happy – albeit much longer ending – to what can no longer be considered the shortest tragic novel. The late Mr. Hemingway was not available to comment.